I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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