I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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