You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
