Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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