Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
