Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
