Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
