Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
