Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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