you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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