You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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