I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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