dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
