So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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