Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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