she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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