I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
