just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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