my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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