Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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