just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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