Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
