My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
