We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
