I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
