Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
