we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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