If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
