Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
