I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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