She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
