Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
