I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
