I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
