Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Randomize
