im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
