I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
