I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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