Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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