im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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