What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
