Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
