if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
