Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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