I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Everclear isn't food dammit
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
