I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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