I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
