So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
