I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
