when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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